emotions

A lot has happened since my last post. I haven’t known what to write, or if I wanted to write. I’ve been a bit tired lately. My parents have needed more help, and I’ve been stressed out about auditions and finding enough work to pay my bills. Something happened this week that I really didn’t need.

Someone told me I would fail.

I didn’t really need that. I also didn’t need to be told that I needed audition materials banged into my head. When asked what I was thinking I then got in trouble for saying my feelings. I walked out. Perhaps not the best thing to do, but all I wanted in that moment was to go home. So, that’s what I did. I cried the entire way home, and for another hour after I got home.

You don’t tell students that they are going to fail no mater what level they are on!

I don’t understand why people continue to pick me apart. It doesn’t help me get anywhere. There is such a thing as constructive criticism. I don’t mind that. I frequently ask students for it to make sure I am being an effective teacher. It’s how you grow and improve, but lately I’ve felt like I’ve been picked apart to death. Nothing is ever right. I have no confidence when walking into an audition. I didn’t walk into my last feeling like I would play well even though I could. Because of the way things had gone leading up to it my head was hoping that nothing would go horribly wrong. I felt that I had been trained to assume the worst would happen. Believe it or not this has happened before with a violin teacher in college. She was upset that I had planned a recital while she was on leave, and that she wasn’t apart of the process. Instead of helping me I was punished for daring to do such a thing. I had another teacher at that same college use the old reverse psychology ploy, and told me I would never amount to much in an effort to get me to work harder, but not teach me much. I have been beaten down to the point where I don’t know where I want to go now. I thought I was a good violinist, and a good teacher. Now I feel tired, and frustrated. I will not be going back. Believe it or not I do know how to prepare myself for an audition. Maybe doing it on my own will be better in the end anyway. I don’t need things banged in my head, and if you think that’s what I need then you don’t really know me as well as you think.

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5 thoughts on “emotions

  1. I don’t know how you play or much about you, but based on what I’ve read in your past posts, it seems like there have been an awful lot of negative influences in your musical life. It might be a good idea to just altogether find a completely new coach or mentor to help you–ideally, someone who is not just an excellent musician, but also a kind and compassionate human being. Sometimes, I think when a teacher gets snippy or mean, it could just be a defense mechanism b/c they’re at a loss at how to analyze the problem.

    I’m not sure if you’re comfortable sharing a video or audio of your playing, but my husband and I are both violinists (he especially is incredibly insightful and has helped me immensely with my own playing in the past) and I’d be more than happy to give honest feedback and/or share any ideas.

    Hang in there–it’s tough being a musician. Competition and standards are always rising (which is good for the sake of music…but frustrating when there are a limited number of jobs and a rising number of new musicians who are amazing) and we live in a world that makes it difficult to rely on any kind of stability in this profession.

    • He decided that he could no longer teach me, which I’m totally fine with. I was going to put a stop to it anyway. I’ve mentioned to him before that I have trouble with the way he talks to me sometimes. I’m taking some time away from excerpts this weekend, but I may start posting videos on the blog. I do them anyway when I practice.

  2. B – all art is subjective – this means that teaching an artist or a musician is one of the most difficult of things – how can you be objective about this subjective thing? This conundrum turns some people into a-holes. It sucks that you have been exposes to so many of them – keep your head up!

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