A lot has happened since my last post. I haven’t known what to write, or if I wanted to write. I’ve been a bit tired lately. My parents have needed more help, and I’ve been stressed out about auditions and finding enough work to pay my bills. Something happened this week that I really didn’t need.
Someone told me I would fail.
I didn’t really need that. I also didn’t need to be told that I needed audition materials banged into my head. When asked what I was thinking I then got in trouble for saying my feelings. I walked out. Perhaps not the best thing to do, but all I wanted in that moment was to go home. So, that’s what I did. I cried the entire way home, and for another hour after I got home.
You don’t tell students that they are going to fail no mater what level they are on!
I don’t understand why people continue to pick me apart. It doesn’t help me get anywhere. There is such a thing as constructive criticism. I don’t mind that. I frequently ask students for it to make sure I am being an effective teacher. It’s how you grow and improve, but lately I’ve felt like I’ve been picked apart to death. Nothing is ever right. I have no confidence when walking into an audition. I didn’t walk into my last feeling like I would play well even though I could. Because of the way things had gone leading up to it my head was hoping that nothing would go horribly wrong. I felt that I had been trained to assume the worst would happen. Believe it or not this has happened before with a violin teacher in college. She was upset that I had planned a recital while she was on leave, and that she wasn’t apart of the process. Instead of helping me I was punished for daring to do such a thing. I had another teacher at that same college use the old reverse psychology ploy, and told me I would never amount to much in an effort to get me to work harder, but not teach me much. I have been beaten down to the point where I don’t know where I want to go now. I thought I was a good violinist, and a good teacher. Now I feel tired, and frustrated. I will not be going back. Believe it or not I do know how to prepare myself for an audition. Maybe doing it on my own will be better in the end anyway. I don’t need things banged in my head, and if you think that’s what I need then you don’t really know me as well as you think.